Welcome to Hell, Fish!

This title sounds very much like "Prison Break", doesn't it? Well, today I was this close to making a decision that would have turned my summer into a fish-guts gore : a job as a fish processor in Alaska.  I turned it down eventually, for the sake of American fun, non-fish-like-smelling me and Halloween and wolves and cats.

There are things that are too fishy to approach. Literally.Too bad, maybe I came back with really great tips on how to eviscerate defenseless creatures. Imagine the headlines : "Mary Krueger Claws  Swimmers", "Hellfish-raiser", " Mary the Fish Slayer", or, my personal favorite, "Fishday the 13th".
But as neurotic as I am, my hands would probably get red before smearing them with the blood of the innocent ( inside bad joke, lame, I concur).

You know the times in life when you say "That will never be me"? and then you go and end up exactly like that.. yeah, it sucks. Blows even. Worse than Jenna Jameson.Cause when you're me, you hit yourself with the hammer repeatedly, knowing the contusions and cuts and bruises won't fail to appear. and it's gonna take more than make-up to cover that up. "We look younger than we are and older than we are; now nobody's funny; no God, they took our fashion week.That''s a real bad thing, cause we got scars to cover"  And to quote yet another piece of "anatomical" wisdom .."Why do I hit keep hitting myself with the hammer? Because it will feel so damn good when I stop."

Below, I allowed myself to post my awesomely weird letter that was an English assignment last semester. It just crossed my mind, since the fiction in it brings in Alaska ^@^ Plus I've been told it's hilarious. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

632 Denalis 99150,

Sitka

Alaska

United States of America

December 20th 2029

415 Via Magnolia 876785
Adrano, Catania
Sicily, Italy, Europe


Dear Aunt Stella and all our beloved Peruginos,
Another year has rolled by (just a little faster) and if, in the midst of your busy lives, you are craving a little boredom, here is the annual Christmas update from the Howlett family.
The short version is that we are still in Sitka, everyone is fine, we had a great summer, nothing tragic occurred since last Christmas, we are not yet rich and will be less so after the 25th . For those of you with stamina, a more detailed account follows:
One notable thing in my personal life is the “Keep Your Untrained Pony Off My Lawn” campaign - that I had to organize on my block - which had a very positive outcome in raising my neighbors’ awareness over the fact that their pet pony Michelle fed on my begonias every morning.
My husband Logan and I continue to work at the same places, but are just now reaching the point in our lives where winters in Florida and semi-retirement are beginning to look really good. Part of that could be due to the major kitchen renovation (never again) we did in the spring along with other work so the house no longer looks like illegal immigrants had moved in. The money for that long awaited fishing boat has all gone to Home Depot.
Juno is now in grade four and her leukemia is still in remission, thank Heaven. She is now totally fluent in German and we are totally useless in helping her with homework. She works hard and does well but we continue to be terrified that we will, one day, have a teenager who knows a language we don't. Logan has not registered any of his firearms as they may be needed when Juno begins dating. She had another great year at karate although Dad blames her aggressive technique on genes she got from her mother. She also played her first round of soccer this year which I am slightly more tolerant of with the exception of the new words she learned on the course! The highlight of Juno's year was getting her new puppy, Banana, in September, and the two have been inseparable. Meanwhile, my husband and I have developed exceptional skills at carpet cleaning.
The most active of all of us was Granny Maxine. To celebrate her 89th birthday, she jumped from an airplane at 10,000 ft, if you can believe it. Then she spent the summer scuba-diving and taking flight lessons, nonetheless. And the doctor says she’s got the health of a twenty-year old. Yes, we have been spying on her but we have yet to discover the Fountain of Youth she’s been drinking from.
We'll be at my brother’s in Ottawa for Christmas this year with all of the family not currently serving jail time. Off to Vancouver on the 27th with my husband’s family and his Mom's birthday. We (me) will likely have worn out our welcome and be home by the 28th. It may not surprise you that my husband has nearly all the points required for sainthood!!
We hope this letter finds you well and we sincerely wish you all a merry Christmas and a healthy, happy New Year. With any luck we may have a chance to speak with you during the holidays (no collect calls please).
Take care,
Marie Howlett
P.S.: Depending on the number of complaints my husband may resume writing this letter next year.