Not Another Vampire Movie

Hi there,youngsters! it's Me!

Remember the Buffy days? When vamps used to be ugly and afraid of the sunlight and mirrors and got their asses kicked by the cute dumb blondie?

That was a decade ago.

Now Buffy got dark hair, big brains, she's not a fashionista, she doesn't kick ass anymore cause she's a total klutz and our new Angel acts our age and fights like a girl blah blah blah..and they got new names too: Bella and Edward.

I do apologize, my poor Twilighters or Fanpires and Twihards (you too, TwiMom! ) for my seemingly cruel and ruthless approach to the issue. But I am doing you gals a favor by bursting the vampy soap-opera bubble.

It preys on the insecurities and utopic dreams of hormonal teenagers and what you are really left with is craving, disappointment and the "never good enough" feeling. It's a Hollywood conspiracy to throw us all into depressive states so that psychiatrists and morticians profit from the outcome.

But it is just so cute, ain't it? The perfect love story between the normal Jane Doe and the smart handsome and rich guy that overreacted with the diamond skin treatment. Take the vamp aspect out of stuff and you've got the Cinderella joke right there on.

The Pointy-Tooth fairy tale really screws things up for all real normal guys out there, involved in a relationship or not. Girls are totally hot for the White Fang Prince Charming type, so don't be surprised when your girlfriends will dump you on the account of you not being able to take them swinging in trees or play uber-baseball or your skin not sparkling in the sunlight.

Then there's the lame crossover between "Romeo and Juliet", "Wuthering Heights" and "The Sopranos", cause that's what they're pushing for in the second movie.

Seriously, the girl isn't even that important. The recipe for the vamp stud is pretty much the same: a full hand of tall and handsome, brains and brawn altogether, the Anne Rice tortured soul routine, the brooding type, the obsessive compulsive passion for books and music, a little Emily Bronte-Jane Austen style glamor (cause it seems these vamps guys got transformed all around that glorious time in history) and there you have it.

Th girl isn't all that important. She can be blond or redhead or brunette, smart or dumb, friendly cheerful perky type or anti-social brooding down to earth type...Because it's not her, it's the blood ( and other hot stuff) the vamps are after.

I mean, these guys fall in love at first bite..or at first sniff. If you remember how Eddie tells Bells how her scent is like his personal brand of heroine..and he looks at her like she's something to eat..It's like we'd fall in love with chocolate or pizza. Seriously, who hooks up with the meal?!

But our "vegan vamps" feed on animals, could that mean they satisfy other "needs" by using animals? Ewwwwww...that is so disgusting even I can't believe I uttered it. "Sleeping where you eat" is taken to a totally different level.

Then, there is, of course, the inevitable break-up...man, the break up is all about that too. if it's not because of sex, it's because of the blood.When vamps say "I`m sorry, you're not my type.." they refer to the blood type, my friends.

And this whole "show the soft side of the fang gang" scheme really takes out all the fun. I mean, they are vamps,supernatural creatures, they're not human, they're not supposed to act normal, that's why we love'em; and here we see them, being actually more normal than some people.

The Others and Me are just so fed up and crazed about this Twilight Mania and the weird effects on the masses. It's a lame attempt at the "Fellowship of the Fangs" kind of thing and its success it based almost entirely on the pretty faces.

Anywhos, what we love most are the freakin' parodies. Which are so awesome!! Especially the ones from the Hillywood Show. You guys rock!!! can't wait for the sequels!

Check them out!

Twilight~~~



New Moon~~~